Kahless: We have a stupendous battle for you here tonight!

Z: Yes, the controversy will soon be ended! The ISA's biggest and baddest against Star Fleet's biggest and baddest ship!

Kahless: Truly an event to shake the cosmos itself, this is the stuff flamewars are made of! Just mention this topic and you'll start fistfights.

Z: Let's get ready to rumble!!! Time for the slew of heated voter comments that would undoubtedly come from such a battle!!

Lynx: As I don't follow ST or B5, my opinion is purely taste and based on nothing technical, however as I dislike ST but have nothing against B5, the Excalibur has my vote. (Sorry, Z.)

Philip Davidson: The E-E in a heartbeat. The holo battle is no contest(beam torps onto bridge). The Excalibur has to recharge after firing the big gun but the E-E can keep pumping quantums. And the kobiashi maru can't be won so it is moot question.

Skunk: No Comment.

Kahless: God that was disappointing…

Z: Tell me about it! My self-esteem is ruined for life. We're not good enough to hear what you think about this fight…

Kahless: I'm sure if other commentators did this their fans would pour their hearts out on this matter…

Z and Kahless: *sniffle…sniffle*

Kahless: Anyway…on to the contest…first up is a race.

Z: The E-E and Excalibur are on the start line, engines revving.

Kahless: And there's the flag! They're off! Heading for the FTL entry point!

Z: They look perfectly matched for sublight speeds, neither is passing the other.

Kahless: They hit the FTL point at the exact same moment, the Enterprise disappears at maximum warp just as a jumpgate opens! The Excalibur is in hyperspace now.

Z: That's quite a trip they're taking, let's go to a commercial.

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Kahless: We're back. The Excalibur comes out of hyperspace and crosses the finish line, and the E-E comes out of warp just a second later! The Excalibur has FTL speed superiority.

Z: Drat. Now on to the nearly kobiashi maru situation. They are faced with heading for a distress signal only to find the ship disappeared and three enemy warships.

Kahless: Excalibur first, 3 Dominion battle cruisers! They're firing, Excalibur is returning fire…The lead Dominion ship is weakening…And it goes down!

Z: But so does the Excalibur, too bad, now on to the E-E. Three Imperial Star Destroyers! The Enterprise is fighting them…

Kahless: It doesn't look to be doing any better than the Excalibur… Wait, time-travel! They've gotten the damaged ship in a cargo bay and warp out just before the Imperial Star Destroyers show up!

Z: One to One. Now for the target-destroying competition. Drahk, Jem'Hedar and various Imperial fighters will be the cannon fodder for two minutes. The ship with the most kills wins.

BEGIN!

Kahless: And dozens of ships fill the area! The E's waste no time! The Enterprise E slashes wings of TIEs apart with its phasers and kills multiple Jem'Hedar and Drahk fighters with rapid-torpedo fire!

Z: The Excalibur is lighting up the scene too! Firing all dozen Minbari slicers, it's raking up its own awesome score!

Kahless: A few seconds of phaser fire tears apart the larger fighters and the Enterprise is using torpedoes to slag entire TIE wings with a single shot!

Z: The Excalibur is sweeping its beams all over the place!

Kahless: Both ships have massive kill counts and the timer is running down…what's that? The Excalibur is powering up the main gun!

BOOOM!!!

Z: Whoa…There's no kill like overkill! What's the count?

Kahless: The Enterprise has destroyed 8 Jem'Hedar ships and 6 Drahk, also a total of 67 TIEs.
Whilst the Excalibur has Destroyed 7 Jem'Hedar ships, 9 Drahk, and 103 TIEs.

Z: The Excalibur wins this round.

Kahless: All that's left is for them to fight each other. A moment while they prepare the holodecks.

There are a few boring minutes in which Z tries to kill Kahless once, and Kahless fortunately doesn’t notice.

Kahless: We're back just in time! The ships are powering up and headed for each other! The Enterprise warp-jumps behind the Excalibur and opens fire!

Z: The Enterprise is firing and turning so the front faces the Excalibur…now the Enterprise is making a strafing run over the Excalibur.

Kahless: The Excalibur is well over twice as long as the Enterprise, but that gives the Enterprise a maneuverability edge! They're both firing everything they've got into each other!

Z: The phasers aren't doing much damage…

Kahless: But the hull is massively cracked from torpedo fire! The Enterprise is using phasers on the damaged areas and continuing to pound it with Quantum Torpedoes!

Z: The Excalibur is turning on jump engines! Oh no!!

Kahless: The Enterprise warped away and left a few presents! Quantum torpedoes to the thrusters!

Z: Ha! That'll show those B5'ers some pretty colors!

Kahless: The Enterprise is back and the Excalibur is turning to face it! It's charging the main gun!

Z: Oooh…big gun…*drools*

Kahless: The Enterprise avoids almost half the blast! It's in bad shape but the Quantum torpedoes are still on line and the Excalibur is powerless!

Quantum Torpedoes: BAM!! BAM!! BOOM!! POW!!! KA-BOOM!!!

Z: And that's the end of that.

Kahless: Only…we need a tie-breaker!

Z: TIE?

Kahless: No pun intended. Anyway, the Excalibur is faster and better against multiple small targets, but the Enterprise has better weaponry and is better against large targets. It's also a lot more flexible. Now, how do we break this tie?

Z: Captain fistfight!!!

Kahless: Good idea!

Z: YIPPEEE!!! *snaps fingers*

Kahless: Ok, there are the captains. Z just told them to fight. They're in battle-ready stance…sizing each other up…

Kahless: Ooh! Picard reflected light off his head and blinded Captain Mathew!! Picard decks him out! The winner is TREK!!

Z with some pals: WHOO-WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!!!!!

Kahless: Come, let us go have bloodwine and get drunk as hell!

Z and pals: YAY!!! WHOO-WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!!!!!

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