Three Imperial Officers drop dead from heart attacks caused by the Jem'Hedar's singing.

Admiral: *rubbing temples* Every damn day…

Flunkie: That song creeps me out.

Draal: Zathraas, how are the repairs coming?

Zathraas: Repairs be coming slow Draal, much damage, hard to fix. Zathraas, Zathraas, Zathraas and Zathraas working very hard. Poor, unappreciated Zathraas. *click-click-click*

Draal: Quit whining. We've got to get the weapons back on line if we are to be proper help to Sheridan's forces. If those stupid Imperials hadn't messed up our defense systems.

Zathraas: Ah, yes. Empire damaged defense systems, very bad. *click-click-click* But…Zathraas bet they're still picking up pieces of battle fleet!

Draal: True, it cost them dearly to put us out of commission. It will soon be time to give them more trouble. At least we can slow them down.

Zathraas: *snickers* Last computer virus Zathraas send them was real doozy!

Draal: I bet that will cause them almost as much grief as when we upgraded their flagship to Windows 95!

Draal and Zathraas share a laugh.

Zathraas: Rest of Zathraas family say they have weapons online in a few hours.

Draal: I suppose I'll help too. We've got to get the planet's weapon array online as soon as possible.

Some explosions rock the area.

Draal: Bombarding us again? They never learn. I guess this means they got they're latest present and are trying to return the favor.

Zathraas: Zathraas will get to work on time controls, bring hero here to help defeat the Empire.

Present are Admiral Ross, Captain Sisko, Chancellor Martok, Kahless, Sheridan, Ivanova, and generals from various other races.

Ross: Ok, here's the battle plan. We launch a multi-pronged attack on a massive front. Federation, Romulan, and Rebel forces will attack here, here, and here to draw off as many Imperial forces as possible. The Klingons and Narns will attack these two Dominion outposts to engage the Jem'Hedar. Remaining forces from the B5 universe, Centari, Minbari, Earth Alliance, League of non-aligned worlds shall mount the attack on the station itself.

Kahless: Sounds like a plan, but on the Federation fleet the left flank is a touch weak.

Romulan: The Klingon does have a point, we have a few more Warbirds in the sector that we can use to strengthen it.

Sisko: All right, call them in. We don't want to take any more risks than necessary, I certainly don't want a weak flank.

Martok: I have some changes for the attack plan on this Dominion outpost here. I'll have a wing of Bird of Preys fly in to cause as much damage as possible and then get out. Mere seconds later the Narn forces should jump in and hit them with everything they've got. Once the Dominion mobilizes the Klingons will attack from the Z-axis at this angle, their defenses should be minimal there and the non-mobilized ships should be easy targets.

Narn: It seems a good plan, I don't have any better so we'll go with it. Let's just hope all goes according to plan.

Sheridan: Everyone going with me, I want to remind you to keep fire on the station down to a minimum. It may be under Imperial control, but we want it intact.

Various Babylon 5 generals mumble in reluctant agreement.

Ivanova: Yeah, if anyone messes up my quarters I'm going to personally deal with the crew of the offending ship!

The same B5 generals jump back a little and hurriedly assure her that the station won't suffer much damage.

Rebel Commander: I hate to say it, but I think our forces are just a little weak to be attacking these Imperial strong points. I don't think we have quite enough ships to pull it off.

Ross: I share your concerns, but I'm afraid we can't do much about it.

Kahless: Ah, I noticed that earlier so I talked to Z about it. He has hired another one-battle-only helper to make sure you win. He won't specify, but he says that it's a powerful Mecha who should be of great help.

Ivanova: Hey, if it helps keep our casualty rate down, it's fine with me. Also, I don't have any regrets about offing a few more of those Imperial bastards.

Admiral: I'm one of two Admirals in the whole fleet to command an Eclipse class Super Star Destroyer! I HAVE THE POWER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

The rest of the crew looks at him funny, but quickly return to duty.

Flunkie1: >psst!< Hey…you think the Admiral's lost it?

Flunkie2: If you mean his mind, I don't think he had one to begin with.

Admiral: HEY!! Yous talkin' 'bout me behind my back?!?!

Flunkie2: Of course not sir, we all know that that is punishable by death. We all like our heads right where they are.

Admiral: Good! No one will mouth off to me, for I am…IN COMMAND OF AN ECLIPSE CLASS SUPER STAR DESTROYER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Flunkie1: Sad, isn't it?

Admiral: It has been left to me, and me only, to deliver these prisoners of war to Darth Vader, and be damned, I'll do it! I am a grand admiral, and I shall fulfill my duty!! No one will stop me! We shall go on to Babylon 5 as planned and open up some serious cans of whoop ass on those who would dare oppose the Emperor!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Flunkie3: Ok, people, paying attention? Good, 'cause you know a mentally unstable commander means…BIG plot point!

Down in the lower levels of the Eclipse SSD:

Rebel1: How's it going?

Rebel2: Slow, the security on this thing is insane, I can't do a thing without it being monitored.

Rebel1: I know it's tough, but we have to keep on trying. If we can steal this thing and down the other Eclipse SSD, we'll finally have the edge!

Rebel2: With over 700 operatives on one ship you'd think it would be an easier task, but NOOOOO. We have managed to sabotage it a little, slowing it down and blowing up some Storm Troopers, but stuff blows up all the time on Star Destroyers anyway, it really doesn't add that much.

Rebel1: Well, that holographic…Minbari…did promise us some help. Let's hope it gets here soon before they find us out.

The dimension we know as "reality" has provided the Anarchy dimension with a commentator, now it is about to provide it with one of its saviors.

One of several beings our current science can't explain has some reasons for what he is about to do. It is known largely as "Big" and holds incredible combat capability--Kahless and Z level. Travelling throughout the cosmos he eventually found an interesting planet known to its natives as Earth. There he found multiple passions. First and foremost was a substance called "sugar" Big loved sugar even though it sent him on an unstoppable berserker at times. Also, was "Sci-Fi" he knew a lot of it to be ridiculous, but it was entertaining. Becoming a big fan of Star Trek and Babylon 5, and a moderate fan of Star Wars, he began to participate in online discussions over who could kick whose ass. Taking the alias of "Steve" on the Earth, he pretended that the "Big" part was his nickname. Big Steve is an intimidating sounding name, don't ya think?

Getting on his nerves was the ridiculous claims of Star Wars, and the Empire had made his "I'd like to see dead" list long ago. He didn't know he'd get the chance to help make it happen though!

Big Steve: Ok, who's there!

Draal: Hello, Big, I've been looking for you.

Big Steve: What the?!? You're…you're Draal from Babylon 5!!

Draal: You're more-or-less right. I'm from a crossover universe, but I have a proposal for you.

Big Steve: And just what would that be?

Draal: A chance to help destroy the Empire from Star Wars. You will travel through dimensional barriers, time and space to help steal an Eclipse class Super Star Destroyer. You'll also eventually help to open the biggest can of whoop ass ever seen!

Big Steve: That's a lot to take in…how do I know you're telling the truth?

Draal: I don't think I can prove it unless you go…how about this, a free lifetime supply of candy if you go?

Big Steve: WHOO-HOO!!!!! I'M SO THERE!!!!!

Z: What are we doing here? You already had your talk with them.

Kahless: One of our generals is about to give a speech, I hear it's going to be great! One of the most moving and inspirational in all Klingon history!!

Z: Oh fun.

Klingon General: Noble Warriors! Before you go into battle, I'd like to share a few words with you…

Z: …here it comes….

Klingon General: Fight! Kill! Win! Come back to tell about it!

The Klingon assembly stares in awe, blink back tears, and then burst into applause.

Kahless: It's so…beautiful!!

Z: THAT WAS IT?!?!?! OI…

Admiral Ross: No comment! Quit bugging me, I'm trying to direct a fleet here. *consoles explode*

Newspeople: But Kahless and Z haven't arrived yet! Any idea on what's keeping them?

Ross: Tell wings 63 through 65 to take out that defense platform! Divert auxiliary power too…LOOK, I SAID, "NO COMMENT!!" …shields and weapons, have the Romulan ships at section 035 by 987 by 100 fall back!

Newspeople: Well, isn't he touchy?

Just then a ship warps into the battle zone and starts firing away. Kahless and Z have arrived.

Z: Hello, this is Z of Galactic Anarchy, terribly sorry for being late, but…eh, Kahless insisted we stop by the Delta Quadrant to pick up his sword.

Kahless: Yes, apologies, we should have been here to kick ass sooner, but… *shows off the fancy "Sword of Kahless"* this is one wicked-cool blade don't you think?

Newspeople: *beam aboard* Kahless and Z! Good to see you here, we'll turn over to you now.

Z: Goodie! We're only late by 7 minutes, we haven't missed very many booms!

Kahless: The battle's already big! It looks like our forces just barely outnumber the Empire's!

Z: That's why you had me hire us some help, right?

Kahless: Right. We missed Imperial reinforcements by 2 minutes. 5 minutes after the attack began over 3 dozen Star Destroyers were sent from their position at Babylon 5…

Our favorite commentators laugh evilly.

Kahless: …to reinforce their positions at our attack coordinates. The Enterprise should be here soon.

Z: How come the Enterprise always shows up late?

Kahless: they said something about "must make an entrance." Ah, here it is! The Enterprise E drops out of warp and slams a half dozen Quantum torpedoes into the side of a SD! It flies over, laying into the SD with 5 phaser blasts and heads for the thick of things!

Z: That Star Destroyer is hurting, but still running. How's the Mayhem Project going Kahless?

Kahless: I'm glad you asked Z! The Enterprise E has been outfitted with a prototype Mayhem Effect Engine and they plan to test it out in this battle!

Z: Ooh! This is going to be cool! Hey, look at the Defiant!!

Kahless: It seems the Defiant was caught by a few Ion cannons! It's adrift with no shields, and Imperial turbo lasers have torn into the bottom armor! A SD is firing 2 massive missiles at the helpless Defiant!

Z: Uh-oh, this doesn't look good! All right! He's here!

Kahless: Hey! Some giant robot just grabbed the missiles, turned them around and they hit the Star Destroyer! The robot is firing some blaster weapons into the Star Destroyer, that robot looks familiar though…

Z: And, you'll see why in just a second! Sound crew, in!

Mecha Crew: LET'S GO VOLTRON FORCE! FORM BLAZING SWORD!!

Kahless: Hey! That's Voltron!! I haven't seen him in a while! Voltron swings with its blazing sword and chops off the bridge of the Star Destroyer! A few swipes and a massive kick and the Star Destroyer cracks apart!

Z: HA! These losers! Even Voltron can open a can on them!! Hey, he's playing baseball with blazing sword and some TIEs!!

Kahless: That's an odd sight…the TIEs come screaming in firing away, and Voltron smacks them with blazing sword baseball bat style, sending the remains flying at very high speed. Hey, the Enterprise is about to initiate the Mayhem effect!

Z: I want to see this! It's time to crack open a can of whoop ass!

Kahless: The Enterprise is glowing! Initiating time displacement…and presto! A future and past version of the E-E have been created, tripling its firepower!

Z: The E-E makes a fly-by on a Star Destroyer, each version smashing it with 3 phasers and a Quantum torpedo! It's toasted! The Enterprises change course, and start plowing a path through the TIE squadrons! WHOO-HOO!!

Kahless: Each Enterprise fires out 6 Quantum torpedoes, which smash into various ships, destroying a smaller vessel. Full phaser spread from each causes massive damage to multiple targets! They're under heavy fire but dishing it out just as well!

Z: Unfortunately the Mayhem Effect only lasts a few seconds, two of the Enterprises are beginning to fade out. A few more phaser shots and they disappear, but a ton of Imperial fire meant for the Enterprises fly through their former location and hits Imperial ships!

Kahless: Well, Voltron has cut open two more Star Destroyers…not bad for an old 80's model. The entire Romulan line is being pushed back! The Imperial forces are on the offensive, firing everything they have at the Warbirds!

Z: And a newly repaired Defiant comes in and plays havoc on the Empire! A barrage of pulse phasers creams some lighter ships and TIEs. A massive Quantum torpedo barrage cripples two Star Destroyers and leaves a mark on three more!

Kahless: Let's check on the Klingon and Narn forces real quick. *turns on a console* Martok's plans have gone over well, one Dominion outpost is on its last legs and the other has taken heavy damage.

Z: WHOO! GO KLINGONS! GO NARNS! DIE DOMINION SCUM!!

Kahless: Two heavy Narn cruisers are duking it out with a Dominion Mark 2 Battle cruiser…make that one…none. Two Klingon Vor'cha class ships fly in and open fire with torpedoes and their main disrupter cannons!

Z: Doesn't do all that much to that to those huge-ass-muthas though.

Kahless: Three more Narn cruisers focus their firepower and tear into the battle cruiser! While it's wounded 5 Birds of prey fly in and hit the hull breached areas with torpedoes and disrupters! That one's down, as are most of the Dominion's heavy ships!

Z: They're doing quite well, there's no way the Dominion will be sending any back up to the Empire. OUCH!! They've starting ramming ships! A fighter tears a gash in a Narn heavy cruiser! Jem'Hedar fighters impact with Birds of Prey and both blow up! Some disrupter fire from a Neg'Var change their minds though! BLAM-BOOM-BLAM!! Asta-la-vista-baby!

Kahless: The Neg'Var and some Vor'chas open fire and hit the station right on! A warp core breach is in progress! The Klingons and Narns are scrambling to get out of there!

Z: Hey, look at this Kahless, the Empire has dispatched another five dozen Star Destroyers from Babylon 5, it looks like they're heading for the Klingon/Narn task forces!

Kahless: That was kind of the plan! We'll wait for two minutes and then tell Sheridan to attack!

Z: Why wait 2 minutes?

Kahless: *gestures for Z to be quiet* You'll see.

Admiral: Hurry! Scramble all ships in the Epsilon system, we've only got two minutes until attack!

Flunkie: Uh…sir, trouble! Singularities are forming! I think they're jumpgates!

Admiral: Those sneaky bastards….

All over Epsilon system jumpgates open up and various Babylon 5 warships pour a rain straight from hell down upon the Imperial forces.

W: Tarkin!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!

Tarkin: Uh…geez, looks like we're under attack, what would you say?

W: I would say that…WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE OFFENSIVE!!!

Tarkin: Well, obviously they learned of our newest invasion plans, and decided that the attacks had a high chance of succeeding so decided to strike first.

W: There are ships of virtually every size and shape out there blowing the snot out of our ships!! WE'RE GONNA DIE IF WE DON'T THINK OF SOMETHING FAST!!

Tarkin: Don't worry, Darth Vader is on his way commanding an Eclipse SSD, and the second Eclipse is on its way as well, so as you can plainly see, they will soon realize they've bitten off more than they can chew.

Kahless: Ah, I was wondering where he went to.

Z: Who? Oh, Thundy.

Thunderbolt: NOT AGAIN!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Z: Oh boy…At least he won't attack a Federation ship just to get to me.

Thunderbolt: GRRR…That's it, you're on my list! We'll take care of this later!

Kahless: Rage is a very good tool, Thundy is blowing the crap out of any TIE in the way. Some mega-missiles to a SD, blow up some more TIEs, strafing run that cripples a medium cruiser, same-o, same-o.

Z: He doesn't have the 4 Star Destroyer kill count that Voltron does though. Plus 5 smaller ships and about 50 TIEs.

Kahless: I have to hand it to you Z, you know how to hire help! Two Galaxy classes fly in tight formation and cream a Star Destroyer, several full spreads of photon torpedoes maim another three Star Destroyers. A rain of turbo laser fire cuts through one's shields and blows a hole straight through the saucer section!

Z: It's brutal out there, our side has stopped backing up, but it's a rough toe to toe drag out fight with the Imperials now!

Kahless: Let's check on Martok's forces, if he can finish the remaining Dominion forces quickly he can help us out here!

Z: Yo! Martok, how's it going?

Martok: It is a glorious battle! The Imperial reinforcements are giving us some trouble but I predict a victory!

Kahless: About half of the Star Destroyers have been destroyed and over three-quarters of the Jem'Hedar ships have been destroyed.

Z: Whoa! Cool, a Narn heavy cruiser just flew in from the top of a SD, blew a hole straight through it, and then went on its way and blew up a Jem'Hedar fighter!

Kahless: Quapla Martok! When you're done kicking some ass over there, would you come over here and help us out?

Martok: But of course! What kind of Klingon warrior would I be if I left for home while there were still enemies to fight?

Z: Yeesh…Klingons….

Kahless: The Rebels are putting up a hard fight, two of those "Mon Calimari" cruisers team up to destroy a Star Destroyer and several smaller ships are making life a general hell for the Empire. Even the Romulans are fighting fiercely, unloading plasma torpedoes upon the Empire's forces!

Z: Don't discount Starfleet! With its Mayhem Effect Engine the Enterprise E has been a key player in the destruction of nearly a dozen Star Destroyers and maimed many more by itself. The Prometheus has kicked some ass too, blowing apart several Star Destroyers with its mega powerful phasers!

Kahless: True, although this isn't really helping matters, our ships are still being pushed back. Hey, Voltron looks knocked out! A SD is coming up behind him, getting ready to launch a full proton torpedo compliment!

Z: WHOA!! A huge series of explosions just knocked the Star Destroyer off course! Rapid-fire weapons blow the bridge off! It's…the Defiant! Looks like they're even now, Voltron is shaking off the damage and resuming battle!

Kahless: hey…detecting two ships flying in…each are slightly over a kilometer…they're Junkion medium cruisers! They combine firepower and blow apart a damaged Star Destroyer!

Z: A Star Destroyer focuses ALL of its firepower on a measly Miranda class! WHAT THE HELL!?!? The Miranda survived?!?! Not only that, it doesn't have a scratch on it!! What's going on here? I haven't seen anything short of a Galaxy class survive a full barrage from a Star Destroyer!

Kahless: Junkion armor, you'd be amazed at what it can withstand! It's also guaranteed to last at least five years…

Junkions: …or your money back!

Z: *laughs* Well, the Miranda has heavy inside damage, but the outer hull armor is fine. I guess the shockwaves were too much for the ship's inner workings. Hey, look there, another Sovereign class!

Kahless: Hey…you're right Z! The U.S.S. …Gojira?! .ACK!! We'll never be fully rid of him will we?!?! (F.Y.I.: Gojira is the Japanese name for our beloved fire breathing lizard Godzilla….well, more accurate would be Godzilla is our name for Gojira, but it doesn't matter)

Z: *points and laughs at Kahless* That one really got you off guard! You actually fell off your chair!!

Kahless: Very funny Z…now, let's get back to commentating shall we?

Z: Fine by me. Now, how about we cover the battle over at Babylon 5?

Kahless: Sounds good to me, but how do we go about doing that?

Z: I have a nifty little satellite over there, it'll send us live footage and all that other good stuff, plus it's got this cool stealth that makes it completely invisible to all known sensor types.

Kahless: Cool, let's go live, to Babylon Five!

Z: Hey, you're a poet and didn't even know it!

Audience groans.

Kahless: there's heavy fighting all over the Epsilon system, but none of Sheridan's forces have made it to the station yet. The Centari make a run on the Imperial position, three Vorchans blow up and a Primus is heavily damaged, but another 2 Star Destroyers are temporarily set adrift!

Z: The Minbari are dispensing raging justice on a free market basis!

Kahless: Rip off!

Z: Sue me!

Kahless: No thanks, I'll just rearrange your face!

The commentators once again try to beat each other's brains out.

Thunderbolt: Yet again… Oh well. You use your imaginations, I've got TIEs to decimate.

A familiar static covers the screen and we see…

W: Hi people, us again! The only sane people in this mess…

Tarkin: Well, there was one other sane guy but he was a total prick.

W: True enough, now let's get on to commentating. Sheridan's forces have scattered quite a few of our Star Destroyers, but most of them have fallen back to a defensive holding around Epsilon 3 and Babylon 5.

Tarkin: The Minbari still haven't gotten over that whole Death Star thing and seem to be in a fairly constant berserk mode. It's really not pretty to see, generally we lose about 3 Star Destroyers for each Sharlin we down but they've managed to up that number to somewhere between 4 and 5.

W: The Drazi demonstrate their nastiness behind a weapons console yet again as 4 Sunhawks launch a barrage of missiles right into our forces. Over half of the projectiles are shot down, but the rest punch some ugly holes and burns into the hulls of the Star Destroyers.

Tarkin: The Centari are launching another large attack, a Primus class cruiser cutting down another Star Destroyer but is forced into retreat by two more. A Sharlin prepares to bite the dust as a few turbo lasers tear into it and expose it to sensors. Some missiles are shot down but some Star Destroyers finish the Sharlin with full-focused firepower. An Earth Alliance Warlock flanked by an Omega and Shadow Omega slice their way right through our lines but are caught by defense platform fire before they get within range of Babylon 5.

W: Those damn White Stars seem to be having their run of the place though, flipping around like crazy and taking pot shots at whatever Imperial ship they feel like. Our fighters continue to perform poorly, being shot down left and right. Still, we don't give a damn about how many of our guys die horrible deaths.

Tarkin: On live! On live!!

W: Ahhh….oh shit….

Tarkin: The Excalibur and 3 other Destroyer Class White Stars are causing their fair share of havoc out there. Two Brakiri ships focus their firepower and blow the bridge right off a Star Destroyer but some Star Destroyers return the favor and waste them.

W: One of those Vertical-Firing Vree saucers fires full force into a TIE squad, vaporizing them. You know, that is the coolest weapon effect I've seen.

Tarkin: HEY! What did Vader say about praising the enemy's special effects?

W: I know, I know, "Don't do it." I can't help it if the Naboo Starfighter is the only ship in the Star Wars universe that doesn't look like a piece of crap about to fall apart. You've got to admit that AT-AT walkers are wicked cool though.

Tarkin: It's a matter of taste, I personally think that the X-Wing is a cool ship. Although there isn't a fighter out there that compares with the Star Fury!

W: True, they don't come cooler looking than that! And there goes another TIE division…to a Star Fury division. I imagine Vader will be most pissed if he ever hears this, but, hey, no one else was stupid enough to take the role of "Imperial Commentators," we're hardly replaceable. Plus it doesn't hurt that our style came from the 70's while our rivals have 90's special effects.

Tarkin: True enough. There are a few Omega ships being pushed back towards a planet by some Star Destroyers. It figures, Omegas are the one ship I've seen that are even crappier than Star Destroyers.

W: Ah, Darth Vader's Eclipse is arriving.

ZOOM!!

Vader: My station! You won't get it back! Launch all the fighters and blow the hell out of those Alliance bozos!

Tarkin: The Eclipse class jumps in and releases its flood of TIEs! A few of them are those rare Defenders and Advanced classes, the two TIEs that can survive anything more than a miss! The massive ship opens fire downing 2 heavy cruisers, a White Star and damaging several more ships! The TIEs are mixing it up with the B5 fighters and seem to be doing ok!

W: Multiple starships including 2 Sharlins fire their full weapons array into the Eclipse! It's hurt but still running, shields holding! A rain of turbo laser fire kills a small Earth Alliance vessel and several League ships and even damages a Sharlin!

Tarkin: Several cases of friendly fire start up as the Eclipse takes one side of Sheridan's forces and the fleet takes the other. Some of those Babylon 5 ships are just too maneuverable and the Eclipse hits some Star Destroyers and some hit it! Most of it is nailing the Interstellar Alliance ships though, this battle should be over fairly soon.

BOOM!

BLAM!

BA-BOOM!

BAM!!

W: Huh?! What the hell is going on now??

Tarkin: It's the great machine on Epsilon 3! They've gotten their defense systems back online and have started to tear up our Star Destroyers from behind! I thought we had dealt with them!

The screen is covered in static but soon comes back in via Z's satellite and the battle looks quite fierce. Various Babylon 5 ships continue to attack in a frenzied mad rush and the planet lays into the Imperial fleet with its impressive weaponry. Vader's new Eclipse takes a nasty pummeling but backs away.

Flunkie: Sir, we have some kind of energy wave heading right for us!!

Admiral: NOO!! My time has come all too soon! It's not fair!! *cringes, covering his head and diving underneath some cover.

The energy wave moves through a portion of the ship with no real effect. Needless to say our mentally set back Admiral is left looking like an idiot.

Admiral: Uh…did anything happen?

Flunkie: Well, we are detecting an additional life sign in the section that the energy was strongest. It could be a version of Star Trek's transporter system, although I don't know why they would beam only one person onto the ship.

Admiral: Well, I don't care what the reasoning is! Send 800 Storm Troopers down to deal with it.

Flunkie: Uh…800 on one? Isn't that a bit excessive?

Admiral: These are Storm Troopers we're talking about here.

Flunkie: Right you are. 800 Storm Troopers are being sent over.

Lower Decks:

Big "Steve": Huh? Is this the place? It's a dump!

Rebel1: Hey, you must be the one that that holographic Minbari said he'd send to help us.

Big Steve: Hey! He promised sugar…I don't see any sugar!!

Rebel2: …I have some M&Ms…

Big Steve: GIMME!! *chows down on M&Ms*

Rebel1: What's…what's he doing??

Rebel2: Um…sugar rush?

The being known as Big goes on a min-rampage tearing down a few walls and tossing equipment through whatever happens to be in the way.

Rebel1: Oh no…what have we done?!?!

Just at this moment all 800 Storm Troopers start filling the general area. Big Steve's eyes go bloodshot and he gets a basic "KILL" look.

Big Steve: GRR…STORM TROOPERS!!

On the bridge:

Admiral: HEY! What are you doing here?

??: Vader hired me on as a general, remember?

Admiral: Yeah, but he fired you!

Callisto: *steps into light* I've got the evil personality, some killer powers, I really have no idea why he'd fire an asset like me.

Admiral: Ah…as I understand it, the Storm Troopers were too…um….uh…distracted by…ah…um….you.

Callisto: Yes, that was a problem… but you have a large problem yourself.

Admiral: Uh-huh…um…what would that be?

Callisto: Check on those Storm Troopers you sent after your…guest.

Admiral: Um…do that…

Flunkie: *checks console* ACK!! We've lost walls, deck plates and equipment in that section and…we seem to be missing 800 Storm Troopers.

Admiral: Uh oh….

Kahless: The action is certainly intense here! It's hard to tell our tactical situation as the battle is gory on both sides!

Z: We do have some memorable quotes from this battle though!

1:
Captain of the Prometheus: It's time to go multi vector assault mode on your ass!
After which the Prometheus went into multi vector assault mode and tore a Star Destroyer a few new…action holes.

2:
Sisko: Lock phasers and fire!
Worf: Already did sir, that's why there's a fireball instead of a SD out the viewscreen.
Sisko: …oh.

3:
Data: Permission to open up a can of whoop ass on these assholes sir!
Riker: By all means, make it a keg.
Data: A keg it is then!
Upon which the Enterprise E was the cause of several nasty explosions on Imperial ships.

4:
Imperial Captain: *writing a letter* Dear mommy, please send clean underwear…

Kahless: A glorious battle it has been! But, I am afraid that we're simply losing too many ships and will have to retreat. Even now a Galaxy class Starship receives too many turbo laser blasts to its neck causing the remaining photon torpedoes to explode! The stardrive section flies into the void of space while the saucer section is blown forward at incredible speed! The saucer runs into a Star Destroyer, cutting into it and spinning around causing massive tears in the Star Destroyer!

Z: That had to hurt! The saucer is completely destroyed, having torn through most of a SD buzz-saw style! And an Excelsior class goes down, it's warp nacelle blown off! The nacelle smashes through a squad of TIEs but the main body is destroyed by turbo laser fire before it hits anything.

Kahless: The Defiant has seen better days, it's ablative armor is nearly gone and it just used the last of its quantum torpedoes! They impact in the shuttle hangar of a SD and the explosions cause a chain reaction destroying the SD!

Z: HA! EAT THAT!! Ooh… those V-wings are impressive, a rain straight from hell. Hey, Kahless! There's something like a Transwarp conduit heading this way!

Kahless: The Borg again? Ouch! An Ambassador class just said bye to its deflector dish! A Warbird and a Rebel transport bite the dust…

Z: Yet another Warbird and a Nebula class explode in messy explosions! No, it's not the Borg…a conduit is forming and…

Kahless and Z: It's Voyager!

Janeway: Looks like this Quantum Slipstream jump was worth it, we probably shaved another 7 years off our journey.

Chakotay: It's a definite improvement. Sure beats plodding along at warp doesn't it?

Tom Paris: Ah, we've got a problem! I think we're…

Janeway: What?

Tom Paris: I don't know what to say…look! *turns on viewscreen.*

The bloody battle unfolds on Voyager's viewscreen, a Miranda and three fighters exploding in "their faces." The crew has a quick discussion, trying to sort it out. They decide that they ought to help Starfleet even though it didn't occupy space anywhere near here the last time they checked.

Kahless: Voyager flies in, and does a quick barrel roll, pummeling a Star Destroyer with a photon torpedo barrage! Some Warbirds finish it off and Voyager flies on, targeting the bridge assembly of another SD and blowing apart a shield generator with a few sustained phaser blasts!

Z: One ship isn't going to save the day, but it definitely makes a cool scene! Any idea what happened to Martok and his forces? We haven't heard from them in a while…

Kahless: I'm afraid not…I'd hate to lose that fleet and Martok though….

BOOM!! BLAM! POW!! BA-DA-BOOM!!

Z: WHOO-HOO!! KLINGONS AND NARNS HO!!!!

Kahless: YES!! Narn warships come in via jumpgate, Klingon warships come out of warp and both start blowing the hell out of everything Imperial in sight!! A Narn heavy cruiser blows a hole straight through a heavily damaged SD reducing it to 2 large pieces and some debris! The ship flies through and locks its weapons on a healthier SD!

Z: We're seeing some major fighter action here too! Birds of Prey team up and pulverize a ton of TIEs! Narn fighters fly into action and start picking off TIEs! The Rebel and Federation fighters aren't nearly as badly outnumbered now!

Kahless: Martok's Neg'Var opens fire with its massive disrupter cannons tearing apart a SD! It goes on to fire a torpedo spread and massive disrupter beams into the Imperial fleet! Two Vor'chas team up and blow the first 100 meters right off a Star Destroyer! Another Vor'cha fires a torpedo volley and blows a SD shield generator straight to hell! 7 Birds of Prey line up and in an impressive volley of disrupter cannons and photon torpedoes tear a Star Destroyer to shreds with the loss of one Bird of Prey.

Z: Huh? Seems a bit too powerful an attack for 7 Birds of Prey to me…

Kahless: Three of them can take out a Galaxy class very quickly you know.

Z: Oh, the alternate dimension in the episode with the E-C. I forgot about that, DS9 has kind of wussified the Bird of Prey…

Kahless: That's ok Z. The Empire has adjusted to the new attackers and has split up its forces to battle everyone. If you ask me they're in it deep now though.

Z: X-Wings, B-Wings, A-Wings, V-Wings, Narn, Federation and Klingon Birds of Prey tearing up their fighters, Sovereigns, Defiants, Prometheus, Warbirds, Mon Cals, G'Quan, Neg'Var and Vor'chas smashing into their capital ships… Looks fairly deep to me Kahless.

Kahless: The Empire continues to fight impressively despite the ambush reinforcements. They've managed to stake up another line to hold and are firing at all our ships again.

Z: God they're stubborn! We had 1,900 ships when we attacked, they had 1,400. We lost 500 ships but got over 650 in the way of reinforcements, they got 32 in the way of reinforcements and have lost about 600 ships now, but they keep on fighting! Why the hell do they show such loyalty to a *&#@ like the Emperor?

Kahless: Slaves held by fear, typical tyrant tactic. Although, why some old pruneish looking guy is scarier than a combination of disrupter and phaser fire, I'll never know. You have to admit that 2,000 plus ships against slightly over 800 ships are very steep odds, I wonder if they have a trick up their sleeves.

Z: Great, I thought I was supposed to be the pessimistic one.

W: You had assured everyone that we'd be fine, but do I see any evidence of that? NOOOO!

Tarkin: So…a few ships penetrated our defensive line…no big deal, right?

W: Oh, I'd say this is a big deal. The great machine of Epsilon 3 tore a hole in our fleet which a couple dozen Sharlins and White Stars decided to take advantage of. Now we've got the remains of our fleet being slowly but surely finished off and a large amount of ships heading right for us!!

Tarkin: *points out window* And those ships should be hitting our minefields right about now.

KA-BOOM!! PLOW!! BAM!!

W: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. The minefield has taken out nearly a dozen ships and many more are damaged to varying degrees.

Tarkin: They've begun strafing now, taking out quite a few mines. I think we can worry now!! Their warships hit the last few Star Destroyers with everything they've got, pushing them out of the way!

W: And now they're heading this way! Babylon 5's defense grid is coming online and Borg weaponry is coming online to fire.

Tarkin: I thought that we couldn't figure out that Borg technology.

W: We're just using its temper to our advantage, we can't seem to make it do anything it doesn't want to but it's always eager to fire at something. There's also no way we'll ever be able to implement Borg technology with just what is on this station, but making it shoot down some enemy ships isn't a stretch.

Tarkin: Geez, I didn't want a whole lecture on it! It seems to be doing well and the attacking ships aren't firing on the station much. I guess they don't want to harm their precious Babylon 5. Anyway…

W: They're about to receive our nasty little surprise!

The evil commentators share one of those maniacal laughs. Then a strange voice comes booming across the battlefield.

??: *speaks in an outrageously exaggerated (bad) French accent* YOU SHALL NEVER GET THIS STATION YOU PUNY ALLIANCE TYPES!

Sheridan: Who the hell said that?

Ivanova: I don't know…

Frenchman: I am zee French Fort commander from Monty Python and zee Holy Grail! Why zee hell else would I have zis outrageous accent you silly persons?

Sheridan: Just where the hell do you get off with that attitude mister?

Ivanova: He's French, he doesn't need any reason or logic beyond that.

Frenchman: Exzactly!

Sheridan: I don't care if your Bolivian, Mexican, or dyslexic, you're not going to be holding on to that station for long.

Frenchman: Come and get some, you bantha poo-poo bathing, spoo devouring, trill petting wusses!

Ivanova: I don't know about two of those references, but I do know that was insulting as hell! PREPARE TO BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!

Sheridan: Hold it Ivanova! He's just trying to bait you!

Ivanova: Well, it worked! FIRE AT WILL!!

Frenchman: Prepare for a cattleing! FIRE!

Ivanova and Sheridan: Cattleing?

Cow: MOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

A old catapult appears on top of the station and launches a dairy cow at the attacking fleet.

Ivanova: He's launching livestock at us? What the hell is that going to do?

The cow smashes into the upper wing of a White Star, tearing off a significant portion of it and sending the attack ship spiraling.

Sheridan: More damage than reason would dictate.

Aforementioned catapult now launches a chicken.

Chicken: BWWAAAA-KWWAAAAAACCKKK!!!!!!!!

The chicken smashes into the bridge of another White Star leaving the White Star out of control and eventually being destroyed by fire from the station.

Sheridan: Break off! Have some fighter squads come around and aim for that catapult!!

Ivanova: This is rather embarrassing, don't you agree?

Sheridan: Yes, yes I do.

A duck is fired from the catapult.

Duck: QUUUUUUAAAAACK!!!!!!

BOOM!

A nice hole is now decorating the side of a Centari Vorchan.

Horse: NEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Lamb: BBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I think you can guess what just happened. The poor horse and sheep did do some major damage to an Omega though.

Sheridan: This is getting ridiculous!!

Ivanova: News flash for you sir, it's been ridiculous!!

W: Too true. Hey, you think that the Alpha Quadrant Alliance/Narn/Rebel fleet has run into our little surprise yet?

Tarkin: Oh, the one thousand Drahk ships hiding in null space around our stations? I imagine they have, we haven't heard from them in a while.

Rebel Extra: Sir, I think our cover has been compromised.

Commander: Interesting way to phrase it.

Big Steve: Ooh…vending machine! Out of my way before I bitch slap you Imperial snots!

Well, the Storm Troopers did try to move, but it wasn't fast enough for "Steve" so he creamed 'em anyway.

Commander: Well, he hasn't left us much choice, we move to take over the ship now! Send the ship-wide call, it's time to do a little butt kicking!

The subordinate punches in some commands and sends word for all Rebel operatives to move for the bridge. All 763 move into action picking up blasters, lead pipes, broken beer bottles and anything else that could conceivably cause a lot of pain. Meanwhile, a Storm Trooper was dumb enough to shoot Big Steve while he was downing a candy bar, so he went on another rampage effectively killing another 700 Imperial crew members.

Commander: Mr. Big, there are a lot of Prisoners of War on this ship, if we free them they're certain to help us!

Big Steve: All right, LET'S DO IT!! *determinedly stomps off, smashing through a couple of walls*

A few seconds later Big Steve comes back, and asks which way. Steve and about 30 commandos are soon on their way to the cells.

Big Steve: What kind of ship is this? I'm not all that familiar with the inner workings of Star Wars vessels.

Commander: This is an Eclipse class Super Star Destroyer, we're trying to secure it and use it against the Empire.

Big Steve: Ooh…An Eclipse…*goes starry eyed as he imagines having his own Eclipse class SSD*

Commander: *waves hand in front of Steve's face* Um…are you still here?

Big Steve: *snaps out of his daydream* Oh…yeah, sure. Let's go save some prisoners!

Z: Things have certainly gotten messy over here, fighting to the left, right, up, down, back, front…..

Kahless: Yes, it seems that the Empire had their own reinforcements, why they waited so long to call them in, I don't know. I don't think it's possible to determine who's winning right now. There's Drahk fighters buzzing about and blowing up all over the place, Drahk motherships being pummeled on by everything we've got--and doing some pummeling back, a few scant Imperials trying to survive…

Z: An interesting development is that that Galaxy class that was blown apart seems to have partially survived, the Stardrive section is currently heading back to Alliance space under control via the engineering section. A few Drahk ships and TIEs have gone after them.

Kahless: What makes this interesting is the fact that the remains of the Galaxy have only rear-weapons now. I suppose it's to their advantage that they're being chased and not engaged.

Z: WHOO!! Another mother ship bites the dust! Some Narn cruisers with the ever trusty Neg'Var have scrapped one and continue on their way blowing the shit out of a few more ships.

Kahless: There's still about 500 Star Destroyers left, they're annoyingly durable ships.

Z: As I understand it our viewers rarely get that impression.

Kahless: Of course not, we focus mainly on what's blowing up!

Z: Me more so than you usually, but you have a point.

Kahless: Huh? BASTARD!!!!

Z: WHAT?!? What I do?

Kahless: Not you, that Drahk fighter over there just shot down it's 4th Bird of Prey!!!

Z: Oh, ok. I'll send Thunderbolt after it. *taps communicator* Hey, Thunderbolt, we've got an annoying ace Drahk fighter over here, care to take it out?

Thunderbolt: Sure thing! I'm on my way! *snaps around and zips towards the commentator's ship*

Kahless: A Klingon Bird of Prey fires a disrupter volley into that Drahk fighter but the Shadow-inspired bio armor just shrugs it off!

Z: A Rebel ship is about to try its luck! A turbo laser volley bounces it around and it lays into it with a few Ion cannon blasts!

Kahless: Unfortunately it runs on neuro-electricity so the Ion cannon's don't affect it. The Drahk ship fires a blast, almost cutting the ship in two!

Z: Of course it hit that long skinny "neck" in between the two fat parts.

Kahless: The ship is still in one piece thanks to some TIEs, they were fleeing from a V-Wing squad and got in between ships, getting blown up and absorbing a bit of the blast. Thunderbolt screams in, launches two missiles…THAT BLOW THAT MOTHER *&^%$@ STRAIGHT TO HELL!! GO THUNDERBOLT!!

Thunderbolt: Thank you, thank you. Things are messy out here, thank goodies TIE pilots are retards!

Kahless: That's true, I've seen TIEs crash into things, not dodge when it would be a very good idea, just fly around aimlessly…

Z: Ah, I just had a thought! *snaps his fingers and a huge sound system appears*

Kahless: Well, some TIEs just charged the forward pulse phaser cannons of a Defiant class…just what do you think they're doing?

Z: *music starts up* They simply….DARE TO BE STUPID!! *music takes on the beat of Weird Al Yankovic's Dare to be Stupid*

Kahless: Oh no…you're going to sing aren't you?

Z: *singing and imitating Weird Al's voice very well*

Words in (parenthesis) indicate the real words to the song that are changed to make this fit for those of you who don't know the song.

Kahless: *hands over ears* ENOUGH!! Funny, yes; timely, NO!

Z: Uh…sorry Kahless. Hey, Bird of Prey strafing Star Destroyer!

Kahless: Drat, it fired away but the attack failed to penetrate the shields! Some turbo laser blasts knock out the shields as it pulls away. The BOP turns around, putting its disrupter charge to maximum and it fires again!

Z: The energy blasts are considerably bigger this time around but it still does diddlysquat to the Star Destroyer. OUCH! One turbo laser blew off a gun and another blew a hole in the wing!

Kahless: The Bird of Prey breaks off again, but in comes the Defiant and 3 of its assigned fighters to try their luck!

Z: I can't remember the last time I saw the Defiant that messed up! I'm shocked that it's still running!

Kahless: It is worse for wear, but it still packs a punch! Three pulse phaser cannons blaze gloriously sending pulses of death at the Star Destroyer!

Z: That did it! The Star Destroyer now has a few smoldering holes complimenting its upper hull. A Galaxy class is flying by, it's charging phasers…

Kahless: …and it missed?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU MISS SOMETHING THAT BIG?!?!

Z: Looks like the Empire isn't the only one who hires blind gunners. Well, the Galaxy flew by and is firing torpedoes at Drahk ships. It's a good thing that the torpedoes have smart-tracking systems.

Kahless: Or else their gunner would be accounting for a third of our casualties.

Z: A Narn cruiser is heading over, hopefully this ship can hit more than dead space. BOOM! YES! There, now all those smoldering holes are connected to each other.

Kahless: I noticed a few TIEs blew up from the heat of the Narn energy weapons. Also, they've blown up even with only glancing shots from enemy fighters…

Z: They're TIEs what do you expect? Those things blow up if you hock a spit wad at them!

Kahless: I have a hard time believing they're that weak. Ah-ha! The main Drahk ship has been destroyed, they're entire line is collapsing!

Z: Yeah! Everyone's taking the fight right to 'em! Most ships are starting to run low on torpedoes, but it's enough to blow apart the newest wave of Drahk attack ships!

Kahless: A barrage of over 50 Romulan plasma torpedoes quickly dispatches two of the Drahk's larger ships and the Enterprise in Mayhem Mode tears some fair sized holes into a Drahk carrier.

Z: You know, they REALLY ought to put a Mayhem Engine on the Prometheus!

Kahless: OOH…I like.

Prisoners are being freed en-masse, but Storm Troopers are swarming the area, being held off by some Rebel commandos.

Big Steve: *rips bars off a cell and the prisoners get out and are given weapons* Ok, how many more to go?

Commander: Let's see, we've killed over 2,000 Storm troopers, 1,356 of those were by you… There's a bit less than 148,000 of them left. We've rescued 1,247 of the prisoners, only 23 of them left.

Extra: Sir, we've found 3 in special holding…they're Vulcans going through something called…"Pawn-far"…or something like that.

Big Steve" I have an idea!

The cosmic ass-kicker walks over to the cell and opens the Vulcan's cell and addresses them.

Big Steve: Ok, your challenge for a mate is…every Storm Trooper on this ship! There's a lot of them so you'd better get cracking!

The Vulcans run off and soon blaster fire is heard, followed shortly by the sound of breaking bones and armor with some short screams of terror and pain.

Commander: *looks up at Big Steve with some admiration* That was evil genius!

Big Steve: Ah, it was nothing. Now that we've got everyone out, let's go lay some industrial strength smack down on the command staff!

Commander: The elevator to the bridge is this way, I think you can make us a short cut.

Big lays a fist into a wall causing it to fall over, the wall falls over knocking down another wall, and the domino effect ensues. Soon about 50 walls are down (with numerous crushed Imperial personnel) and at the end of the path is a door marked "Elevator to Bridge." A bunch of rebels 'ooh' and 'ahh' and a lot of Storm Troopers run away scared. Meanwhile Big is jumping up and down holding his hand.

Big Steve: DAMN THAT HURT!! I'm never hitting anything that hard again!! Ok people, let's get moving!

All of the good guys charge forward, only to be slowed down by a few thousand Storm Troopers getting in the way. Laser weapon fire fills the air as both sides try to advance.

Big Steve: I think the Wookies, Minbari, and Klingons should be given some nasty melee weapons, and then find a way to sneak around to their back!

Commander: Just the thought I had, we're already sending the first group out. *fires and kills three more Storm Troopers*

Frenchman: HA! You Wookie armpit sniffing losers can't touch me! I raspberry you! *blllttt!!!*

Ivanova: God I hate him…

Frenchman: At least zee French are no where near az bad as youz Russians, eh?

Ivanova: Ah hell, we've got that Borg armor on the station, FIRE AT HIM!!!

Tarkin: The French dude ducks down from his post just as the White Star blows it up, and he sticks his tongue out at them as they pass.

W: Ouch, a pair of beam weapons from the planet just tore two gaping holes into the side of Vader's SSD! The ship is firing a full broadside into the planet, causing massive surface damage but it doesn't stop the planet's fire. It sucks that those weapons are so many miles beneath the surface!

Tarkin: That it does. Some Minbari Sharlins make a pass on the SSD, and come away with multiple pot holes on them. Unfortunately they did a fairly good job of tearing up the armor in that section. A ton of enemy ships are hitting the SSD but they can't take that ship! Some Star Furies take out another turret on Babylon 5, and then cream a few TIEs. They're cool ships, but I hate how maneuverable they are! Try to shoot them and they just spin about like nuts and end up behind you! I have no idea how the pilots can take those turns!

W: It is an interesting problem… ha! A Minbari Sharlin just hit a Star Destroyer's bridge with the two cannons on its "leg" and the shields held, the Minbari Sharlin got wasted by a full barrage to the back side!

Tarkin: Only problem is a Shadow Omega just wasted that Star Destroyer. Damn Shadow enhanced weaponry. I wish the Shadow Destroyer was here, or that another of our Shadow tech ships was online yet.

W: Three Victory class (Excalibur-type) ships just fired their main guns and blew 9 Star Destroyers apart! They shouldn't have been in that close formation…

Tarkin: True, but now we can hit them hard! Concussion missiles away!

W: Only to be cut down by a Sharlin. An Omega flies in and starts running interference too. About 100 TIE fighters make a strafing run on the powerless ships, but that armor shrugs off the attack and doesn't appear to take any damage. A few Minbari fighters and the Omega's turrets dispose of the TIE fighters.

Tarkin: That's why you use TIE bombers! About 25 fly in and plaster the Victory classes with bombs, the enemy ships' hull begin to crack…but Minbari fighters waste the bombers. I'm beginning to disagree with this "Quantity over quality" policy that the Empire has.

W: HEY! Are you forgetting rule #1 of living in an evil empire?

Tarkin: "Never disagree with the boss." Uh…oopsy….heh, heh…

W: I won't tell if you won't.

Tarkin: Deal.

W: Ok, now how's the battle looking?

Tarkin: Not good, Babylon 5 is hardly able to defend itself now and the enemy is sending in troops. We've lost most of our fighters and the Star Destroyers are starting to follow them. It's hard to believe a force of over 2,000 Star Destroyers could be losing.

W: Well, the enemy did come in with over 2,500 ships, and the Primus, Shadow Omega, Warlock, Sharlin, and Victory class each exceed the Star Destroyer's power by varying degrees, and they have a planet on their side.

Tarkin: Thanks so much for pointing that out. Speaking of the planet, most of its weapons systems have been knocked back offline, but a barrage of super-missiles downs another 3 Star Destroyers. At least Vader's Eclipse is holding out despite the massive redecorations of its outer hull.

W: Oh, of course the only relatively ships we have are for our grand leaders. Cowards…

Tarkin: Shut up… WHA!?! A Star Destroyer just bolted out of here! A Sharlin came at it from the side, charged all weapons, and it hit hyperspeed!

W: Well, it's either live or die for the glory of that prune called the Emperor.

Tarkin: What do you think you're….you're right, we listen to an asthma inflicted tin can and a guy so decrepit he needs equipment to help him fart!

W: AAGG!! Why are we saying this?!? We're both fond of breathing!!

The scene quickly shifts to Z who is showing off a remote control/typewriter and typing away insulting things about the Empire. Kahless seems to be getting a kick out of it even though he's not admitting it and Thunderbolt is really enjoying it, directing Z on some things that W and Tarkin should say.

Tarkin: We're just a bunch of idiots, no one with a brain works for the Empire, that's why the rebellion spanks us like school girls all the time.

W: And worst of all, we're just wussy wannabes of the great Kahless and Z.

At this point in time the commentator's ship is rocked by explosions and Z drops his gadget, which shatters.

Tarkin: I can control what I'm saying again!! Oh my god I am so dead…

W: I am too!! Well, I guess we should continue to commentate, the other Eclipse has just arrived! It's time to show those wimps the true power of the Empire!

Tarkin: The Eclipse opens with full firepower downing several enemy ships and scattering their forces! Looks like we win again!

The Rebels, Ex-prisoners and Big Steve step over countless Storm Trooper bodies and make their way to the elevator.

Big Steve: Took longer to take them out than I thought.

Commander: We wouldn't have gotten through at all if it weren't for the fact that those last 20 prisoners were from other universes. Those 7 monsters…"Digimon" were quite a help even if they did have annoyingly cute voices. "Cyclops," "Storm," and "Wolverine" kicked ass too!

Big Steve: I guess you're right… that "Vegeta" character did the most damage though, from what I hear this ship is missing 7 decks and 24 sections, and countless walls now thanks to him!

Extra: Considering that he killed over 17,000 Imperials in the process I think it was worth it.

Terrified Imperial Guy: WORK DAMN YOU WORK!! *is frantically trying to open the elevator*

Big Steve: Hey, you!

Terrified Imperial Guy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Commander: We have a deal for you!

Terrified Imperial Guy: ….wh-wh-what is it?

Commander: You cooperate, and he doesn't rip your arms off and beat you to death with them.

Terrified Imperial Guy: …wo-wo-works fo-fo-for me!!

Commander: You get us onto the bridge, that's all we ask.

Terrified Imperial Guy: Betray my commander and the Emperor…

Big Steve: I assume that your hand ID will work whether or not it's attached to your arm.

Terrified Imperial Guy: You didn't let me finish! '…just to save my own ass? You got a deal!'

Extra: Intelligent move.

They board the elevator and a few minutes later they arrive at the bridge.

Commander: Damn Imperials…they've always got three or four layers of heavy-duty metal doors blocking off the bridge.

Most of the extra-dimensional prisoners have already fled but Vegeta hops in just long enough to blow down three of the doors, and then heads back home (portal closing--but he wanted to make sure that the Imperials got creamed). The Rebels then start cutting down the last door.

Admiral: Oh no…just when we start kicking some do-gooder ass, some of those bozo rebels start breaking in!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Callisto: Want me to off 'em for ya?

Admiral: *sniffing* NO! GO AWAY!

Callisto: Fine, be that way. *disappears*

Just as soon as the flunkies calm the Admiral down and get him to stop crying the door falls down and the scary-looking silhouettes of a bunch of rebels and Big Steve start to enter.

Big Steve: Houston, you have a problem, and it's me!

Imperials: Uh oh…

W: We just lost contact with the Eclipse…last I heard was something about Rebels over running stations…

Tarkin: Oh come on, it's an Eclipse class SSD!! It's IMPOSSIBLE to steal or take over one of those things!

The Eclipse SSD stops firing on B5 ships and starts raining hellfire down on the Imperial forces.

W: Oh, I suppose our mentally unstable Admiral just decided to start firing on our ships for the heck of it?

Tarkin: Given his mental history, I wouldn't be surprised.

In a flash of twinkling lights and a pretty color display, Z appears!

Z: It's not under Imperial control.

W: How would you know?

Tarkin: Yeah! What do you know that we don't?

Z: Not only is it targeting Imperial ships, but it's hitting about 70% of the time! There's no way it could be under Imperial control.

Tarkin and W: …he has a point…

W: WHAT THE?!?! It just focused ALL of its firepower on a SD, totally vaporizing it!! Don't you think that that's just a touch excessive?

Tarkin: No, I think it's incredibly excessive. It's locked weapons on Vader's SSD!!

Z: And firing a huge-ass-beam-o-death (TM) it knocks out the shields of Vader's Eclipse!

W: In this case, "huge-ass-beam-o-death (TM)" is the Superlaser.

Tarkin: This looks BAD!! The Imperial forces are falling left and right! Many are running for it!

Z: A barrage of turbo laser blasts wastes some Star Destroyers and really dings up Vader's ship. It's time for the good guys to win! So nah-nah-nah-nah!

Tarkin: Just…shut up.

W: Kahless can't do that, what makes you think you can?

On the commandeered Eclipse:

Big Steve: Ok, can I get over to Vader's Eclipse?

Commander: Well, Starfleet did lend us this transporter…

Big Steve: Cool, beam me over!

Extra: Ok. *pushes a button and Big Steve disappears in a swirl of light*

Big appears on the bridge of the enemy SSD, Vader glares at him.

Vader: I don't care who you are, but you are no match for the power of the dark side!!

Big Steve: There are two things you never want to mess with, me when I'm hyper, and me when I'm pissed! *downs a bag of Skittles* AND NOW I'M BOTH!!!!!!!!

Vader: Mommy

Tarkin: Whoa…that big dude just tossed Vader across the bridge!!

W: And then picked him up and slammed his head through a console!

Z: Hmm…this Steve guy has good taste, he doesn't like the Empire!

Tarkin and W: HEY!!

Big Steve: *pulls Vader out of a hole in the floor* Time to stock up on your frequent flyer miles! *throws Vader*

Tarkin: OUCH! Right through the bulkhead!!

Z: Still going too…through another bulkhead…

W: He's in the employee rec. lounge! OW! At least that vending machine stopped his flight…he hit it hard though, the stuff in it is spilling out all over the Sith Lord.

Z: Mr. Big followed him, looks like he's about to finish him off!

Tarkin: Vader's grabbed a can…he's opening it…it's…..Brisk Iced Tea?

Vader: *Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!* THAT'S BRISK BABY!

Z: *head hanging* Good god…

W: And Vader has gained control of this match up! He's using what would appear to be "Force Punches" to send the big guy reeling back!

Tarkin: Vader gets in a kick to the gut! Steve's reeling, and Vader grabs him by the neck! Vader just tossed him through a bulkhead! Looks like the big guy is getting a taste of his own medicine!

Z: Hey…who's that that just appeared?

Tarkin: That would be Callisto, Vader had hired her as an evil general for a while, but the Storm Troopers were just too distracted to do any fighting.

W: I guess her pay was good, she just launched a fireball and singed Steve! Now a barrage of power-hits to Steve! Looks like he's in double trouble!

Z: Not for long! *disappears*

W: Where's he off to?

Tarkin: That coward? He's probably going to get Kahless to try and save the big dude.

Z: *appears in front of Darth Vader and Callisto* So, you like to fight two on one do you?

Callisto: They tend to splatter more that way.

Z: It has become apparent to me that you need to be beat down! So, I, Z, champion of weird and antagonist of…

Vader: *holds his hand up* Talk to the hand 'cause I'm not listening.

Z: *grabs Vader's hand* Hello mister hand! How are you? …uh-huh… that's nice…really? You don't say… Oh, you see that person over there? *makes Vader's hand "nod"* He's not very nice is he? *makes Vader's hand shake horizontally* You should force choke him. *Vader's hand shakes vertically and then turns around*

Vader is collapsing under his own force choke, gasping for breath and trying to regain control of his hand.

Tarkin: That's a low blow there…

Vader in an act of desperation lifts his other hand and starts force choking the disobedient hand. The hand being "choked" splays out its fingers and shakes badly trying to get out of the force choke, but it soon slumps over.

Vader: Hand…hand! Speak to me! *hand is still* Look what you made me do! I killed my good hand!!

Z: *mock horror* Oh! HOW COULD YOU!?!

Vader lifts up his other hand and squeezes, a scream of "OW!! MY SHOULDER!!" is heard off in the distance.

Vader: Eh…sorry, I'm not a very good aim with this hand. *points it at Z* Huh? *or, where Z was*

Z: Behind you!

Vaeder spins around but doesn't see Z, then looks up.

Vader: How are you on the ceiling upside down like that?

Z: You're wrong there Vadey boy. You're the one upside down!

Vader falls down and lands in a crumpled heap by Z's feet.

Z: Ready to surrender?

There's a quick flash of streaking red light, then nothing. Z stands looking triumphant, but soon falls to the floor in multiple pieces.

Z: I guess that's a "no."

Meanwhile Big Steve and Callisto are whomping the hell out of each other. A jump-kick here, a drop-kick there, punching, throwing, your typical super strong vs. super strong fight.

Big Steve: Hold still you psychotic bitch! *reaches for her collar, but realizes her suit doesn't have one* Um…err… *for lack of any other real handhold he grabs her by the hair and starts smashing her into things*

Z's pieces have each formed a mini-Z, and now all of them are running around frantically trying to avoid Vader.

Vader: Stand still so I can squish you! *a sweeping lightsaber cut chops on Z in two* HA! Got ya! *the two Z halves form into smaller Zs and run off* This is going to get tedious…

Callisto knocks Steve away with a lucky kick, then jumps on him and starts headbutting away. The mini-Zs reform into Z and he hurls an energy ball at Vader which sends him flying.

Vader: I just know I'm not going to like the end of this ride… *smashes into Callisto, dragging her with him as he flies off*

Big Steve: Thanks dude, now let's go finish 'em off!

Callisto goes bug-eyed and one can only assume that Vader did too.

Vader: Um…I say we retreat!

Callisto: Just what I was thinking…*disappears*

Vader: *talking into a communicator* All right, people, station's not worth it! Retreat!

Big Steve transports back to the Alliance's new Eclipse and Z zaps himself there.

Vader: Oh, and get me W and Tarkin, the Emperor and I would like to talk to them.

Tarkin and W: Uh-oh!! Uh…

As the Star Destroyers scramble away from the Epsilon system, a shuttle flies out of the Imperil commentator's Star Destroyer and jumps to hyperspeed in the opposite direction of the fleet.

Z: HA! That's right, run! Run! We win again! Nah-nah-nah-nah!!

Big Steve: It was a most glorious victory!

Z: HEY! You're not a Klingon.

Big Steve: I just thought I'd compensate for the lack of one.

Z: Fine. Well, the last of the Star Destroyers are running away, ISA ships shoot down some though. It was a fairly frantic retreat, they must have lost a fourth to a third of the surviving ships. I'm also getting word that Babylon 5 is back under ISA control and the Imperial and Drahk fleets at the other target zones have been destroyed. We estimate we've shot down over 2,400 capital ships and another 600 to 700 won't be operational for a considerable amount of time, let's see how they like them apples! Hey, where are you going?

Big Steve: Just taking care of something…

Z: Something that requires a space suit? I'm coming with!

A few minutes later Z and Big Steve are out on the hull, Steve has rubbed out the ship's name and is writing something else on it.

Z: …A…S….S….K….I….C…K…E…R…Asskicker!! I like the name.

Big Steve: *laughs* Let's see how the Empire likes the Asskicker barreling down on them! *laughs maniacally*